Report: Just Go Ahead And Tell Yourself Bribery Is The Only Reason You Didn’t Get Into Columbia

‘Whatever Makes You Feel Better’

YOUR LITTLE HEAD—Confirming that oh, sure, probably no one gets into the prestigious university without their wealthy parents pulling some strings, a report released Wednesday in the wake of a major college admissions scandal stated that if it makes you feel better, you can believe bribery is the only reason you didn’t get into Columbia. “Okay, buddy—just go ahead and tell yourself an admissions officer was holding two applications in his hands, yours and one from a person whose mom or dad handed him a big sack of cash,” read the report, going on to add that a large-scale bribery scandal was a far more likely explanation for your rejection from a highly selective Ivy League school than the fact that you partied more than you studied in high school and got middling scores on the SAT. “Uh-huh, even though you had no extracurriculars and a 3.2 GPA, you were probably only turned down because your parents weren’t rich CEOs or celebrities willing to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to help you cheat on a standardized test or falsify an application. Just hold on to that for the rest of your life, champ.” The report concluded with a recommendation that you should go ahead and buy yourself a Columbia sweatshirt, because any day now they are likely to see the error of their ways and offer you an honorary degree.

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