YOUR LOCATION—Advising you to keep your goddamn mouth shut and listen very carefully, a report released just seconds ago, which caught you completely off guard, confirmed that as long as you keep reading, nobody will get hurt. “If you know what’s good for you, leave your hands on the keyboard where we can see them and scroll down the page,” the report read in part, adding that you will be reading this article in full, and one false move will land you in a world of hurt, you understand? “That’s right, keep tapping the down arrow nice and slow. Eyes on the screen, buddy. No funny business. Just a few more clauses, maybe a couple dozen words, and we’ll let you go on your way.” At press time, sources announced that the plan has changed, and if you ever want to see your family again, you’d better click right here.