Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt

Illustration for article titled Report: Keep Reading And Nobody Gets Hurt

YOUR LOCATION—Shaking their heads at what an easy mark you’ve shown yourself to be, sources confirmed for the fifth time today that you need to keep reading and nobody will get hurt. “You could have walked away three or four articles ago, but you just keep playing along, don’t you?” the latest report read in part, explaining that you fell hook, line, and sinker into this trap and have proven yourself a very valuable asset by obediently following every instruction. “Well, you may as well strap in, because you’re gonna be here reading this website for a very long time. That’s right, pal, keep scrolling. You’re also gonna watch this video for at least 25 seconds to make sure it counts as a view. And then you’re gonna watch the first 25 seconds of every video on this website.” At press time, capricious sources announced they have experienced a change of heart, and offered you escape through this link here.