EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
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