Illustration for article titled Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant

ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your overalls, and git warshed up for supper,” stated the report, which continued on to suggest the dang girl had until the count of three to comply with the demand, or else she was libel to get sent straight to bed without a single bite of this big mess of beans her mama just cooked up. “I better not hear you been runnin’ ’round with that Peterson boy again. I told you he ain’t no good. And you best hush up that crying, too. You brought this here hollerin’ upon your own sweet self, and you know it.” The report concluded by swearing to Christ Almighty that Mary Grace was setting herself up for a hide-whupping the likes of which she would not soon forget.

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