BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them fuck up their children. “As economic concerns prompt more parents to work longer hours, many are turning to grandparents to assist them in crushing their children’s self-esteem and shaping them into confused, maladjusted adults,” said lead author Dr. Janine Thompkins, who noted that four in 10 grandparents are currently the family’s primary insult-givers to children. “Parents like knowing that while they’re at work, a trusted family member is satisfactorily filling in for them by shouting at their kids in line at the pharmacy or criticizing their weight in front of their friends. And we found that, in most cases, children emerge just as fucked up and traumatized from a grandparent’s constant belittlement as compared to that from their own mother or father.” Researchers noted that many cash-strapped families are receiving added relief from subsidized child care programs, which allow parents to drop off young children at local community centers to be fucked up by underpaid, uninterested daycare workers.

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