SANTA CRUZ, CA—A report published Friday by cultural anthropologists at the University of California, Santa Cruz, revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husbands’ surnames and instead opting for something totally badass like Diesel, Nitro, or Pulverizer. “We’ve observed a trend in which many married women, by choosing a way fucking cooler last name along the lines of Axle or Bone-Crusher, are beginning to challenge the Western patrilineal tradition,” said Professor Sarah Annihilator Kelman, adding that the assumption that the man’s name will automatically be taken in marriage has become outmoded as women realize nothing prevents them from calling themselves Blade, Scab, or anything else that just sounds awesome. “Especially for women who have worked hard to establish themselves professionally, taking someone else’s name can make them feel as if they’re losing a part of who they are, so this is a way for them to maintain their identity—and vastly improve upon it. In the 21st century, a woman can become Mrs. Shredder or Ms. Doomsday, or even finding a compromise with her partner by choosing to hyphenate her name to something like Mrs. Shredder-Davis. At the end of the day, it’s a personal decision.” Annihilator Kelman acknowledged the practice may cause difficulties if a couple chooses to have children, but observed that kids almost always prefer to go by whichever family name kicks the most ass.
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