NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it. “Seriously. Stop wasting everyone’s goddamn time.” The report further urged those who still hadn’t shut up about it to quit acting like fucking idiots and just give it a rest, for Christ’s sake.

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