STOCKBRIDGE, MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue sky stretching far as the eye could see, a report released Tuesday morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as beautiful as this. “Boy oh boy, the birds are singing and there isn’t a cloud in sight—yessiree, today couldn’t possibly take a wrong turn,” the report read in part, describing the golden tinge to the autumn leaves, the crisp refreshing breeze, and the scent of woodsmoke in the air as further proof that there wasn’t a single thing to worry about for the next 24 hours. “Frankly, all you need to do to guarantee you’ll have an incredible day is roll out of bed, throw open the curtains, and greet the gorgeous morning with open arms! After all, folks, what could possibly go awry when you’re living in paradise?” The report conceded, however, that tomorrow would almost certainly be a complete fucking nightmare.
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