WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but that, hey, life can be weird like that sometimes and you’ve just got to take it as it comes. “Laboratory testing shows that most commercially available peanut butter includes measurable quantities of rat excrement, with some popular brands exhibiting alarmingly high concentrations, but, you know, that’s kind of how things work out from time to time, and hey, you just gotta roll with the punches, you know?” read the report in part, which went on to explain that the agency had declined to issue a recall of the products because, well, sometimes life throws you a curveball and there’s nothing else to do but take a swing. “While fecal matter from rats and other vermin frequently bears infectious agents ranging from mild bacterial strains to potentially fatal hantavirus pathogens, isn’t that just like life, in a way? I mean, if you think about it, we’re all stuck on this crazy blue rock together, and deadly volumes of rat feces or no, you just gotta enjoy the ride.” The FDA’s findings follow on the heels of a report last year indicating that the popular cholesterol-lowering drug Zocor causes profuse and irremediable gastrointestinal bleeding in nearly one-third of patients and yet, don’t you just have to love the fact that every day is different and life is an adventure?

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