BOSTON—Speaking in hushed tones lest their word be overheard by the wrong person, sources confirmed Friday that people talk, you know, and that word gets around much quicker than you might imagine. “You’re smart enough to know this, but you should be very, very careful who you’re spilling your secrets to,” said sources, holding a finger up to their lips and emphasizing that gossip spreads like goddamn wildfire around here. “Don’t be an idiot, alright, buddy? You know these walls have ears. We know these walls have ears. So watch yourself, because you never know when the wrong person might be listening in, and then there could be consequences. Real fucking consequences.” At press time, the sources had fallen into dead silence after hearing footsteps nearby and noting that they had probably already said far too much.
More from The Onion