Report: Pickup Basketball Player Too Sweaty To Guard

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MEMPHIS, TN—Allowing his competitive spirit to give way to revulsion, local 27-year-old Philip Rayburn reported Thursday that a fellow pickup basketball player was too sweaty to guard. “I know I need to stay on him when he starts trying to back me down in the post, but I really don’t want to touch his sopping wet back,” said Rayburn, who on no less than six occasions passively gave up the lane rather than risk banging into the sweat-drenched man barreling toward him. “I don’t even like boxing him out on rebounds because he just drips down on top of me. Christ, I can’t even hand check him without getting wet.” At press time, the man had reportedly just returned from a water break dripping from the mouth with a combination of drool, sweat, and Gatorade.