Illustration for article titled Report: Publicly Humiliating Unpopular Student Still Leading Cause Of Telekinetic Violence In U.S. High Schoolsem/em

WASHINGTON—In a study confirming much of the existing research on the destructive and often deadly incidents, the Department of Education reported Thursday that public humiliation of unpopular students remains the leading cause of telekinetic violence in U.S. high schools. “Our data indicate that a friendless student is more likely to lash out with enhanced psychic abilities after being subjected to a cruel prank pulled at a school-wide event such as a dance, pep rally, or talent show,” said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, adding that such coordinated humiliations were directly linked to the psychokinetic violence of chairs flying across classrooms, screws slowly twisting loose from the structural supports of bleachers during school assemblies, and live wires detaching and electrocuting students on prom night. “In fact, telekinetic misfits duped into believing that they were popular for the sole purpose of embarrassing them in front of their crush were responsible for nearly every incident of gym doors slamming shut by themselves and locking students inside to meet their deaths.” The study went on to say, however, that sustained bullying was at times also linked to violence dispensed by a possessed 1958 Plymouth Fury.

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