CHICAGO—Pronouncing the licensed retail goods acquisition technique “an effective method for citizens who wish to make their voices heard in these turbulent times,” a recent study conducted by the Brookings Institution concluded that purchasing items from the Onion store was the most important way for Americans to either stop or help President Donald Trump. “Nothing sends a clearer message to this administration that you’ve either had enough of the erosion of core democratic values and want to end the onset of encroaching fascism—or, conversely, that you’re proud to be an American again now that the black guy is out of the White House and the woman has been defeated—like purchasing a beanie, hoodie, or T-shirt emblazoned with the Onion logo,” said Dr. Hannah Gilroy, who led the research team that found buying Onion merchandise for yourself and the people you love may be the single best way for citizens to show their support for Trump’s immediate impeachment or reelection in 2020. “With even the purchase of a mere Onion keychain or sticker, you’ll be standing in solidarity with, or opposition to, literally millions of other Americans who have raised their voices as one to denounce or pledge their unwavering allegiance to Trump. Only The Onion news organization offers the sort of high-quality apparel that allows the American people to simultaneously express their disgust with or devotion to our shamefully racist or proudly nationalist president. When a citizen takes a sip from an Onion coffee mug or water bottle, they send a strong message that they support the Resistance or want to Make America Great Again. Put simply, this may be the single most important thing anyone can do as an American.” Gilroy added that all Americans should spend at least $150 at The Onion’s online store to ensure they are standing on the right side of history.

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