WASHINGTON—According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, a steadily increasing number of weak, emasculated men—if you can still even call them men—are choosing to forego a career and stay at home to raise their children. “Our research shows that thousands of American men—all of whom are pitifully frail and impotent—are leaving the workforce to debase themselves by preparing lunches and tending to their children, ultimately rejecting their role as the family breadwinner in favor of what is effectively gender reassignment,” said head researcher Paul Lopez, noting that the growing ranks of meek, delicate little husbands and fathers often spent their entire days embarrassing themselves and their sex by cleaning, shopping for groceries, and in some extreme cases, folding laundry. “While their anatomy would suggest that, yes, in purely biological terms these are males, their wholesale renunciation of their masculinity has relegated them to the status of subservient, ineffectual nothings who might as well be castrated since that is what they clearly desire anyway.” The report also described a correlated trend of repellent, overly aggressive, testosterone-crazed mothers flooding the corporate world.