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Report: Scientists Still Decades Away From Deciphering Wireless Bill

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WASHINGTON—Confessing they had spent more than $25 million on the endeavor, scientists from the National Communication Association announced Wednesday that they were still decades away from deciphering even the most basic components of their wireless bill. “Man, we’re just at a total loss with this thing,” said Dr. Reinhardt Schmidt, noting that only 3 percent of the perplexing document appeared to be comprehensible in any of the world’s 7,106 living languages. “I’ve dedicated the past 15 years of my life to cracking this code and, frankly, I’m not any closer than when I started. Hell, just yesterday I noticed something called an ‘overage reduction.’ Seriously, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Do I owe them money or do they owe me? It’s maddening. All I can say is that some of the numbers in this bill don’t make sense in Euclidean or non- Euclidean space. It may well be unsolvable.” Acknowledging the limitations of modern science, Schmidt suggested that further inspection of the document perhaps be handled by a devotee of the occult.

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