WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash! I need more cash!” remained the leading tactic for securing a raise. “Our research suggests that employees who have the most success in negotiating a pay raise stride confidently into their supervisor’s office, maintain eye contact as they pin him against a wall by his neck, and demand that he immediately start paying them more cash,” said the report’s lead author, Melanie Harrison, who noted the importance of clearly annunciating, “Give me cash now!” and, “Cash! Cash! Cash!” while slowly tightening one’s grip around their boss’s throat. “We also found that workers who were able to obtain the largest raises threw their supervisor back into his chair and plainly stated that they were not fucking around in the slightest.” Harrison went on to say that taking $100 out of a supervisor’s wallet, standing over his trembling body, and saying, “This is a good start” before tossing the empty billfold in his face usually secured an employee their desired raise on the spot.

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