TERRE HAUTE, IN—Screaming incoherently about transgender girls in sports and the need to teach children cursive so they can learn to read the Constitution, some group called Dads for America is currently trying to run over your kid’s teacher with a car, sources confirmed Thursday. The group of local fathers, who reportedly met on Reddit last week, were seen piling into a vehicle, steering it toward the front doors of an elementary school, and flooring it when they saw Ms. Landers, your child’s beloved fifth-grade teacher. As the car accelerated, the self-described “concerned parents and patriots” were overheard shouting at Landers for attacking America’s freedom with lessons about slavery, pronouns, and how to use the library. At press time, witnesses reported the group’s members had failed to run over the teacher’s “dumb woke face” and instead crashed into the school’s bike racks, where they injured 17 children and were arrested for drunk driving, an incident they were quick to blame on “Sharia law.”
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