ITHACA, NY—Indicating that such individuals regularly experience feelings of satisfaction and derive genuine enjoyment from their daily existence, a report released Thursday by Cornell University’s psychology department has determined that some people are actually very happy. “Our data suggest that there are a significant number of people out there who are, in fact, generally content with their lives,” said the report’s author, Maria Belanger, adding that while the researchers had some initial skepticism about the results, the finding that a sizable percentage of people possess a positive outlook on the world and their place in it stood up to multiple rounds of meticulous statistical analysis. “We also found that at any given moment, a considerable number of people feel optimistic about the way their lives are going. It also appears that these subjects are actually able to fall asleep easily at night and arise legitimately looking forward to their day. A few people we observed were even able to experience joy.” The study confirmed that you, however, are very sad.
More from The Onion