CHICAGO—Saying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago found that students who take Latin have a better chance of summoning a demon later in life. “According to our data, children who studied Latin in grade school were far more likely to contact, summon, and then raise a damned soul from the underworld,” said classics department chair Emily Greenwood, adding that students who learned Latin tended to be more adept at chanting ancient incantations, opening up portals, and comprehending Demonic screams. “On the whole, young people who studied root languages like Latin had a much easier time communicating in tongues, and could sometimes even convince spirits to do their bidding. However, those who didn’t were more prone to lag far behind their peers and often died at the hands of a bloodthirsty, vengeful succubus.” Greenwood added that while knowing Latin provided students certain advantages in summoning demons, it had absolutely zero bearing on their ability to send them back to Hell when they were done.

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