Report: That’s Expensive, Please Put That Down

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NEW YORK—A team of suspicious experts watching you thoughtlessly handling something they intuitively know you are not interested in buying released a report Tuesday confirming that’s expensive, please put it down. The report stressed that what you are so carelessly tossing back and forth from hand to hand is not for touching, sir, and that you should put it right back where you got it from before it breaks and you have to pay for it. Experts added that you need to stop what you’re doing right now, emphasizing that what you’re holding is very valuable, extremely fragile, and—Goddammit, now look what you’ve done! The report concluded—hey! Where do you think you’re going? You need to come back here and pay for that this instant.