NEW YORK—Despite early evidence indicating that she may have not searched her bag as thoroughly as she believes, a new report released Tuesday revealed that there’s no way to suggest that your girlfriend look for her keys in her purse again without sounding like a condescending prick. “No matter how confident you might be about the location of your girlfriend’s keys, there’s just no tone or inflection that won’t come off as you questioning her ability to see objects directly in front of her eyes,” read the report in part, which went on to suggest that you take a moment as she searches through the couch cushions—even though you know they aren’t there—and very carefully weigh your strong desire for her to find her keys against the need to maintain a relationship with the woman you’ve been dating for the past several years. “Yes, you’re pretty sure you heard the distinct jingle of keys when she was rifling through her purse, but bringing this up again won’t seem helpful. It will sound like you’re a complete asshole.” The report went on to note that—oh, goddamnit—the keys were in your pocket the whole time.
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