Report: Things Finally As Bad As Trump Claims

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WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s stunning victory in the general election early Wednesday morning, political experts confirmed that conditions in the United States are now finally as bad as the Republican nominee has long claimed. “Though we had previously been able to dismiss Trump’s proclamations as mere hyperbole and scare tactics, the United States now definitively meets the criteria of being the declining superpower that Trump has described for the past 17 months,” said Georgetown University political science professor Ronald Leidecker, adding that, as of tonight, the nation no longer commands the same respect among world powers it once did, and our country’s greatest days most definitely lie in its past, just as the Republican has asserted. “Our economy is, since about 10 p.m yesterday, on the verge of collapse, and when it comes to foreign relations, we have foolishly made ourselves vulnerable on multiple fronts, putting the very existence of everything our nation holds dear at risk. In the words of Donald Trump, our country is a disaster.” Once again echoing the pronouncements of president-elect Trump, Leidecker noted that we sadly won’t be able to rely on Washington to change anything, as our political system is largely run by self-serving, power-hungry factionalists who don’t have the best interests of common Americans at heart.