WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can, a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what’s coming in 2027. “Our research has found that if you think you’re stressed out now, savor it, because all of this is a drop in the ocean in contrast to what’s coming down the pike,” said report co-author Nancy Keaty, who explained that all data indicated things were about to get “real bad, hoo boy” in ways that were impossible to be prevented or corrected. “Buckle the fuck up, because shit is about to hit the fan. You might feel like everything that is happening right now is preparing you for something later. It’s not. You won’t be prepared at all. Seriously, all 328 million of you better hold onto your asses. Well, the 150 million of you who will be left by then.” At press time, Keaty added that 2029 wouldn’t exactly be a piece of cake either.
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