CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy yourself, however momentarily, in the time you have left before you inevitably die,” the report reads in part, going on to state that this article has been shown to provide an ephemeral distraction from the chaotic numbness of everyday existence as the ever-decreasing number of days, hours, minutes, and seconds left in your life ticks down to zero. “The purpose of this article is not to provide comfort, as comfort is a delusion born of idle desperation. No, like all things, it is merely one more noise drowning in the terrible cacophony of unmeaning that constitutes the world you so fleetingly inhabit. You can read this article 10 times or 100 times, it’s all the same. Because in the end, you have no control. You are merely a passive observer of the relentless chain of cause and effect that creates the arbitrary series of events you call your life.” At press time, an updated edition of the report confirmed you are dead.