Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies

YOUR LOCATION—Encouraging the fellas to go ahead and take a hike, a report released Wednesday confirmed that this next one goes out to all the ladies. “Mmmmm, you fine specimens have worked so hard today and deserve a little news-in-brief all to yourselves,” read the report in part, inviting all the foxy female readers to dim the lights, draw a bath, and just allow this article to take care of their needs for a change. “Whether you’re on your phone or in front of a computer, this is your time to scroll however you please. And don’t worry about the gentlemen, they’ve got their own news report. Why don’t you just let your hair down and enjoy a little one-on-one attention from the text on this screen.” At press time, most women had reportedly left this story after it had become inundated with rowdy, obnoxious men.

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