Report: Today Not One You Will Remember

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting the complete lack of memorable details to help the date stick in your mind, sources confirmed Monday that today isn’t one you’re going to remember. “We’ve found that this 24-hour period will make zero impression on you in the long run,” said sources, adding that the current day would be neither good nor bad, but simply a completely unremarkable period of time that will have no bearing on your life. “We’ve found that there will be no high highs or low lows, no big inconveniences or excitements—basically you’ll just eat a couple meals, tool around the internet, go to bed, and never think about this day again.” At press time, sources noted that the words in this article were already beginning to fade from your memory.