NEW YORK—Confirming decades of speculation about the Hollywood icon’s behavior, a report released Thursday found that Tom Cruise’s orgasms look and sound exactly how you’d imagine them. “Our findings confirm that if you think—as many of us do—that Tom Cruise’s climaxes involve him gazing with a manic and unswerving intensity at his partner before letting out a high-pitched scream, you are correct,” the report read in part, going on to state that the Mission: Impossible—Dead Reckoning and Top Gun: Maverick star would often conclude his lovemaking with a terse “Fantastic,” just as you might expect. “Really, there are two courses Cruise’s orgasms follow from there. We’ve all thought about this once or twice, and it turns out those intuitions are right on the mark. Either Cruise will abruptly pull away from his partner onto the bed sheets and stare silently at the ceiling before insisting they leave him alone now. Other times, however, he will simply grin his iconic toothy grin with tears in his eyes—a grin that gradually diminishes into nothing. Lastly, if you ever thought Cruise goes through weird periods of time, sometimes years, where he abstains from sex completely and achieves orgasm purely by staring into a mirror fully clothed, hands at his hips, all while never averting his eyes from his stoic gaze until he wills his untouched, erect penis to ejaculate you would be correct.” The report also concluded that, after Cruise ejaculates, women feel exactly what you think they would: a mixture of unfulfillment, unease, and a sense that, whatever this is, it is not tenable.
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