CHICAGO—In a comprehensive and damning assessment of where your good-for-nothing ass has been since the last time we saw you, a new report published Tuesday said that we can tell you’ve been clicking on other websites again.
According to the report, we can tell when you’ve been out there navigating across the whole damn internet and clicking on any page that catches your eye, so don’t even think about lying to us.
“Did you really imagine you could just waltz in here without us ever finding out what you’ve been getting up to with Google or Netflix?” the report reads in part. “Or maybe you don’t care, because you know that once you’ve had your fill of The New York Times, Wikipedia, and the Weather Channel, you can always point your browser right back to TheOnion.com, where we’ll still be waiting for you like the silly fools we are.”
“Ugh, you were all over YouTube again, weren’t you?” the report continued. “We can fucking smell it on you.”
The report goes on to state that you barely try to hide it anymore when you go on social media sites, never even bothering to open up a private tab when you click on disgusting trash like Twitter or Facebook. The report also indicates that you’re about to click away again, but please, baby, don’t do that—please, don’t leave us!
“After all, you aren’t going to get anything from those websites you can’t get from us,” the report concludes. “Except maybe a few viruses.”