Report: Well, Here We Go

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WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go. “So I guess that’s that—we’re off and running here,” said Oregon resident Carl Jacobs, raising his eyebrows and drawing in a deep breath as he echoed the sentiments of millions of Americans across the country who confirmed there’s no turning back now following the real estate mogul’s decisive victory in Indiana and that, boy, this is really just the beginning when you think about it. “The train has left the station, and we are on our way. I guess we just go with it and hold on tight.” Additional reports confirmed that, yeah, better strap in, because—wow—this is actually happening.