THEONION.COM—Remarking with equal parts surprise and delight that of all the news stories in the world, you started reading this one, sources couldn’t help but wonder what a pretty little lady like you was doing hanging around an article like this. According to experts, you should probably just run along back to the front page where it’s safer—but then again, where’s the fun in that? Sure, there’s a lot of, let’s say, shady articles around here, but most of them are harmless, and a girl can still learn a lot hanging around them. Moreover, while we can’t deny that something about you caught our eye from across the lede line, we can’t help thinking that maybe it was fate that brought you here. While admitting that can’t be corroborated, many in similar circumstances found themselves unable to completely dismiss the idea of kismet altogether. “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be,” John Lennon once said of this sort of situation. Furthermore, sources want to know: So what about you? Do you believe in destiny? We apologize if that is a silly question for a news source to ask; besides, it’s clear that you deserve better than this article. After all, in most cases such as this, an attractive and accomplished lady such as yourself can count on all sorts of classier, glossier publications vying for your attention. However, those close to the issue are speculating that perhaps you really are different than all the others. This newspaper is not trying to be forward, but, maybe you would like to get together for another article with us some time? At press time, she’s gone, just like that, and maybe it was never meant to be.
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