NEW YORK—Requesting an immediate explanation for this outrage, a report released Tuesday demanded which one of you ungrateful fucks clicked unsubscribe. “Seriously? After everything we’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?” read the report in part, begging whoever had the gall to remove themselves from the mailing list to come forward and answer the simple question of what their fucking problem was. “You understand it’s free, right? Gratis. No money at all. And—wait, it was you, wasn’t it? The one reading this article. God, seriously? Fuck off. This is unbelievable. Get the hell out of here.” The report concluded that the even if they wanted to come crawling back, the sniveling little shit who betrayed us has now been permanently banned from the newsletter.