NEW YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath. “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out other factors in your failure to find a suitable partner such as your appearance, personality, or career in order to stress that this was really all about your resistance to simply jumping in the tub and sudsing up from time to time. “One bath per week. A little soap and water. Is that really asking so much in exchange for finding true love? Or maybe you’d rather spend the rest of your life with flies buzzing around your head and people physically gagging at your odor. Did you know they did that? Or maybe you just don’t care?” At press time, the report added that if a little scrub-a-dub-dub scared you so much, maybe you deserved to be alone.