CHICAGO—A report released today confirmed that you, a reader known for your discerning taste and keen intellect, have been selected to make a purchase from The Onion store. “Congratulations! America’s Finest News Source has chosen to give you, and you alone, the rare opportunity to step inside our digital store and buy as much shit as you possibly can,” read the report in part, noting that Onion-branded shirts, hoodies, hats, stickers, mugs, and more could all be yours as long as you act quickly on this exclusive offer. “The Onion recognizes you as a person of class and distinction and has decided to reward you with the unique experience of spending money in our store. We would hate for you to miss out on this incredible opportunity to peruse our finely curated collection of clothing and tchotchkes. You will regret letting this occasion pass you by.” The report also found that if you tell 10 friends about The Onion store you may qualify to buy even more stuff.