Report: You Have Won!

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Head To To Redeem Your Winnings

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WINNER’S CIRCLE—Sources are reporting that you, valued Onion reader, have won! “You are the big winner!” said members of the award committee, who noted that, of the millions of readers of who were eligible for the grand prize, you were the lucky one selected. “Congratulations!” Reports confirmed that you should act quickly to redeem your winnings before they’re gone.