WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week. “Before the week is up, the identity of three public officials whom you previously didn’t know existed will be revealed to you based solely on their utterly disgraceful conduct,” read the report in part, adding that even a casual scan of the week’s headlines will be sufficient to introduce the names of these three loathsome individuals into your vocabulary. “While the names you’ll learn this week might belong to individuals who serve the government in different capacities, all will be equally despicable. You might become acquainted with them from their separate betrayals of public trust or from their contributions to a single larger outrage—either way, there is no avoiding these terrible people.” The report also warned that although you will learn the names of three additional reprehensible public officials next week, that will in no way help you forget those you learned this week.