DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections, a report released Friday found that you were lonely before the pandemic started, and you’ll be lonely after it ends. “An overwhelming amount of evidence indicates that while being surrounded by others wasn’t enough to mollify the deep sense of alienation you felt before the pandemic, there is no reason to believe things will be any different after this crisis is over,” read the report in part, explaining that the pandemic merely intensified your existing isolation as opposed to causing your rejection from society. “Crucially, these findings did not hold true for other individuals. This is reaffirmed by the fact that during the pandemic, your situation has been comparatively much more pathetic than any other person on the planet. So while others can expect to regain a sense of belonging once the pandemic is resolved, you will remain alone.” The report concluded that you would carry this sadness with you forever because you are fundamentally unlikable and incapable of being close to people.
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