CHICAGO—Confirming that the joy and sheer, reckless rapture they experienced would always be just out of reach, a new report published Monday revealed that you would never find a love like that shared by two teens riding the same electric scooter. “After studying countless samples, it has become abundantly clear that you will never have a relationship as intimate or thrilling as that of two 14-year-olds speeding down the road on a battery-powered scooter,” said research psychologist Steven Gwinn, adding that per his data, there was simply no connection on earth deeper than that between a pair of teenagers wordlessly clutching each other on a two-wheeled Lime, Spin, or Lyft, laughing and screaming as they narrowly dodged pedestrians, cars, and speed bumps. “While our research suggests you’ve had some mild romantic connections, no one has ever or will ever hold you the way these teens hold each other as they speed recklessly down the sidewalk without a care in the world. In fact, the evidence clearly shows you will never find anyone who makes you feel that way, and ultimately, unlike them, you will die sad and alone.” Gwinn also confirmed that you would never experience a friendship as strong as the bond shared by two teen boys when one is riding on the pegs of a bike and the other one is pedaling.
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