Report: Your Father Probably Out With One Of His Whores Tonight

Illustration for article titled Report: Your Father Probably Out With One Of His Whores Tonight

METHUEN, MA—Adding credence to the longstanding supposition that your dad is a selfish piece of shit, a new report released Tuesday found that your father was probably out with one of his whores tonight. “There’s no doubt that that son-of-a-bitch is painting the town red with one of his little floozies right this second,” read the report in part, suggesting a strong probability that the man who bore you was out late sticking it to some goddamn trollop without a care in the world as to what his loving family would think. “He could be knocking boots with that slut receptionist from his office, or getting a tugjob in his car from some disgusting cocktail waitress—or, Hell, he could be lying face down in a ditch, and frankly, we’d all be a lot better off.” The report concluded by noting the high likelihood that you were going to grow up to be exactly like that asshole.