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“Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture.”
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“I can’t support something I refuse to read.”
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“This bill will negatively affect Americans who survive by breathing methane.”
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“Just let the seas rise and wash me away from this miserable life.”
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“A dead and blighted planet is our best chance of taking China down.”
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“After the global climate apocalypse, I plan to broker an alliance between the cockroach and the beetle, both of whom I shall rule with a heavy pincer.”
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“I oppose government intervention in our looming deaths.”
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“The environment could be harboring immigrants.”
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“Not voting for a climate bill really sticks it to those pampered elite farmers and agricultural workers of effete urban enclaves like Wyoming.”
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“I stuck a fork inside a light socket and nearly died. If that was what clean energy feels like, I want it banned.”
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“I would save a lot on electricity if I didn’t have to keep the heat lamp plugged in on my lizard’s terrarium all day.”
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“Climate is all about perspective. Some people run hot, I run cold. The temperature is whatever you make of it.”
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“Did you know trees’ pollen is basically their ejaculate? And it’s entering our children. They’re pedos.”
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“My hairspray use alone has raised the temperature of the planet by 5 degrees.
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“Clean energy would mean that more minorities would survive, and that goes against my duty as an elected official.”
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“Say what you will, but a climate crisis makes it more likely that I die in a hurricane.”
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“I wake up every night to awful night terrors, tortured by the painful knowledge that I have no moral core and will vote along whatever party line serves me best, sacrificing society for my own personal gain, so I figure might as well lean into it.”
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“I refuse to turn America into some kind of clean-energy dystopia where we have breathable air and potable water and our nation’s oil lobbyists go hungry every single night.”
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“The devil takes many forms, and one of those forms is a wind turbine. Another form is a hydraulic dam. And another form is the solar panel that keeps telling me to kill my family.”
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“They wouldn’t try my idea for shrimp energy. It’s an alternative form of energy where you have shrimp run, or swim, or whatever, I haven’t totally ironed that part out yet, but then they make energy that is natural, like the good kind of energy, way better than wind energy, which frankly makes me frightened. I gave Congress all these diagrams, which I drew all by myself, of hundreds of happy shrimp jumping or rotating very quickly, and that creates tons of energy, like 100 energies per second, but noooo, the Democrats aren’t interested. Well, if you wanted to lose the Shelley Moore Capito vote, you done lost it!”
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“Don’t understand. Bill Democrat, Democrat bad? Republican good, Democrat bad? No Democrat, yes Republican. Right?”
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“There is a terrifying link between living on the same planet as a wind turbine and being transgender.”
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“Because I am unequivocally dead inside and I wish to spread the seed of darkness to all who inhabit this forsaken planet. Plus, money.”
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