
With the 2024 election quickly approaching, The Onion asked Republican voters what issues were most important to them, and this is what they said.
With the 2024 election quickly approaching, The Onion asked Republican voters what issues were most important to them, and this is what they said.
“I’m on the verge of being bankrupted by medical bills, so I’m gonna say drag queens.”
“Bigger flags.”
“Legislating women’s bodies and reducing government overreach.”
“Hard to decide with all the things that urgently need to get worse.”
“I don’t know where, who, or what China is, but I know we should kill it.”
“Balancing the budget, and I really 100% promise I actually care about it this time and always will.”
“Hard for me to say, because I don’t know what Fox News will decide is a threat to Western civilization a year and a half from now.”
“Issues are beside the point when you’re in the grip of Ron DeSantis’ charisma.”
“I’ve pretty much gotten everything I ever wanted over the last 20 years, so I’m good.”
“Don’t worry, my concerns are top priority to everyone who matters.”
“Protecting our nation’s children while creating an environment that is the least conducive to their safety.”
“Honestly, I’m just going to vote for the guy with the fattest ass.”
“Roger Daltrey’s hairstyle was way too feminine in the 1970s, and I’m still waiting for someone to do something about that.”
“Roving gangs of antifa fetuses crossing the border to educate Jewish kids on women’s bathrooms. Or the economy.”
“Vague crime that’s happening somewhere else.”
“Whatever alarmist disinformation my algorithm decides to show me.”