With the 2024 election quickly approaching, The Onion asked Republican voters what issues were most important to them, and this is what they said.
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“I’m on the verge of being bankrupted by medical bills, so I’m gonna say drag queens.”
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“Bigger flags.”
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“Legislating women’s bodies and reducing government overreach.”
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“Hard to decide with all the things that urgently need to get worse.”
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“I don’t know where, who, or what China is, but I know we should kill it.”
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“Balancing the budget, and I really 100% promise I actually care about it this time and always will.”
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“Hard for me to say, because I don’t know what Fox News will decide is a threat to Western civilization a year and a half from now.”
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“Issues are beside the point when you’re in the grip of Ron DeSantis’ charisma.”
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“I’ve pretty much gotten everything I ever wanted over the last 20 years, so I’m good.”
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“Don’t worry, my concerns are top priority to everyone who matters.”
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“Protecting our nation’s children while creating an environment that is the least conducive to their safety.”
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“Honestly, I’m just going to vote for the guy with the fattest ass.”
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“Roger Daltrey’s hairstyle was way too feminine in the 1970s, and I’m still waiting for someone to do something about that.”
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“Roving gangs of antifa fetuses crossing the border to educate Jewish kids on women’s bathrooms. Or the economy.”
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“Vague crime that’s happening somewhere else.”
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“Whatever alarmist disinformation my algorithm decides to show me.”
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