Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

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Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates:

  • All moderators to be quarantined from society 18 months prior to debate to eliminate bias
  • Statute of limitations prohibiting questioning candidate about any statements made more than 60 seconds in the past
  • Mechanized, continuously rotating debate stage gives every candidate equal time at center podium
  • No questions from, for, or about women
  • At least one tray of pigs in a blanket during pre-debate luncheon
  • All questions must be prefaced with personalized compliment about candidate’s policies or appearance
  • One consequence-free tirade against any marginalized group of each candidate’s choosing
  • Rule stating that any participant thrown off stage by another candidate automatically disqualified from presidential campaign
  • Safe podium space for all candidates made uncomfortable by line of questioning
  • Multiple-choice section
  • Each candidate given five paper DebateBucks they can use at any time to buy new questions from moderator
  • When a candidate A causes the debate ball to go out of play, candidate B will start at the top of the key and check the ball before resuming play
  • Every candidate allowed to deliver five minutes of closing personal attacks