Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates:
- All moderators to be quarantined from society 18 months prior to debate to eliminate bias
- Statute of limitations prohibiting questioning candidate about any statements made more than 60 seconds in the past
- Mechanized, continuously rotating debate stage gives every candidate equal time at center podium
- No questions from, for, or about women
- At least one tray of pigs in a blanket during pre-debate luncheon
- All questions must be prefaced with personalized compliment about candidate’s policies or appearance
- One consequence-free tirade against any marginalized group of each candidate’s choosing
- Rule stating that any participant thrown off stage by another candidate automatically disqualified from presidential campaign
- Safe podium space for all candidates made uncomfortable by line of questioning
- Multiple-choice section
- Each candidate given five paper DebateBucks they can use at any time to buy new questions from moderator
- When a candidate A causes the debate ball to go out of play, candidate B will start at the top of the key and check the ball before resuming play
- Every candidate allowed to deliver five minutes of closing personal attacks