Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Same-Sex Marriage

“What can I say? I just want people to suffer.”

“Trying to codify gay marriage is a waste of time that would only distract us from the real issues, like putting those gay people in forced labor camps.

“While I had a fantastic time at my son’s same-sex wedding last week, he’s still a horrible abomination that should be put to death.”

“As a Christian, I strongly believe that love has no place in marriage.”

“One time I googled up ‘penis sword-fighting’ and got a virus so bad I needed to get a new computer.”

“I’m disgusted by the thought of anyone being happy.”

“Is a country where gay marriage is legal really the kind of country I want to leave to my son, whom I want to have sex with and ultimately marry?”

“I wasn’t invited to my gay friend’s wedding. This is payback, Mateo!”

“It plays well in focus groups.”

“If we allow same-sex marriage, what’s next? A tree that gets abortions? A Marxist camel from California that commits incest? A kind of pill that turns all semen into gay Barbies? Absolutely not.”

“Children can’t get married anyway, so what’s the point?”

“Marriage was only meant for heterosexual, abusive relationships.”

“Marriage should be between a man and a woman who are disgusted by each other’s physical forms so much that they must force arousal on themselves every time they are required to procreate.”

“Scripture teaches us that marriage should only be between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman and a woman.”

“It has no place in a healthy, functioning theocracy.”

“I think of penis all day and I think of how no penis should go near other penis. Penis go in lady ONLY. I see penis constantly in head and think about it slopping into nice woman. Woman have large breasts that make penis excite and I think BINGO. Then I see penis in head and see it vrooming into man and I think YUCK. I imagine two penis in church and priest saying you may SEX each other and I think VOMIT. I think NO BUSINESS. I see two penis wearing tuxedo on top of cake and I think AGAINST MY COUNTRY. I see in my mind eye big American flag with two married penis on it having the violence called sex and I think AWFUL. I see six penis all married and giving birth to another penis that is the child penis through the hole of the penis (you know which hole I mean) and I think NO NO HORRIBLE and I start to CRY at thought of penis all the time penis everywhere getting married penis no NO NO NO NO—”

“Gay marriage is legal?”

“The citizens of this country did not put me in office to vote for things most of them approve of.”

“This is America, and in America same-sex marriage should be decided by the free market. If there are enough vested stock options to support continued investment in same-sex marriage, then it should be allowed. If there are same-sex derivatives that cannot mature due to market pressures, then it shouldn’t be allowed. So let’s be smart about this.”

“If men can marry men, then what’s to stop me from finally pulling the trigger and marrying my incredibly sexually attractive dog?”

“I believe that marriage is between one woman and one man, as clearly stated in The Art Of The Deal.”

“Before I started in Congress, I was a Christian pastor, which is to say I am a fucking idiot and bigot like all Christian pastors, since the Christian religion as an institution has ceased to have even a thread of connection to the actual teachings of Christ and is merely a way for assholes to launder their seething small-minded hatred of others into something that seems respectable, so that’s your answer right there.”