Here are the requirements candidates must meet to qualify for NASA’s astronaut program:

  • Fifty or more hours logged driving space shuttle around empty NASA parking lot
  • Candidates’ height should fall between 62 and 75 inches in order to fit within regulation space suits and promotional NASA polo shirts
  • At least five summers spent contemplating the stars from the hood of an El Camino
  • General, demonstrable proficiency in taking direction and working on a soundstage
  • Preference given to candidates who are already completely weightless
  • Spotless interstellar criminal record
  • Must have at least three interesting stories to share aboard cramped spacecraft
  • No one at NASA right now really knows how to expand social reach via Snapchat, if you could point them in the right direction with that
  • All candidates screened for their ability to procure $18 billion in funding each fiscal year