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Research Suggests Life On Earth Began Full 20 Minutes Earlier Than Previously Thought

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CHICAGO—Emphasizing that there was still so much we still don’t know about the ancient microorganisms, researchers at the University Of Chicago announced Monday that life on Earth may have begun a full 20 minutes earlier than previously thought. “After studying the carbon dating of fossils found in deep sea ocean vents, it’s extremely clear that they evolved 20 minutes prior to what we used to believe, which is basically, like, half an hour,” said scientists, adding that the ancient cyanobacteria likely evolved 4.28 billion years ago at 7:07 p.m. instead of the previously theorized 7:27 p.m. “At first, we were stunned to discover that these organisms may have evolved as early as a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday four billion years ago. And then, we discovered that they evolved as early as Spring instead of Summer 4 billion years ago. But this extra 20 minutes changes everything. That’s the difference between the appetizer and the dinner course four billion years ago.” At press time, scientists were reeling when they discovered evidence that the heat death of the universe would occur 30 seconds earlier than expected.