WASHINGTON—Noting that it was an invasive species not normally seen in this environment, NASA researchers announced Monday the discovery of a galaxy-sized goldfish that astronauts had discarded from the space shuttle in 1988. “These things will just grow to fit their environment, so in the vacuum of space, it’s been getting bigger and bigger ever since pilot Richard Covey jettisoned the goldfish from the Discovery after realizing it was too much of a responsibility,” said researchers Kayleigh Bund, confirming that the gargantuan carp, which weighed approximately three octillion tons and between 40,000 - 50,000 lightyears long had been floating through deep space for the past three decades. “This guy doesn’t have any natural predators out here so it’s been thriving, but obviously it presents something of a problem because it’s been eating up crucial resources that the universe needs to survive. This is a good opportunity to remind everyone that if you’re ever planning to travel to outer space, it’s sometimes best to leave your pets at home.” Bund added that NASA hoped to utilize a supermassive black hole to scoop up the fish and transfer it to a different dimension.
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