ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr. Taylor Merz, who condemned the World Health Organization for continuing to report that the virus simply spins out of control and crashes onto the floor after exiting an infected person’s mouth. “Top epidemiologists from around the globe have concluded that the virus’s propeller hat is 100% functional. There have also been cases in which mutated strains of Covid-19 have been documented floating in the air by chewing a large wad of gum and blowing up a big bubble or using moon shoes to bounce off the walls. This is far more dangerous than we ever could have imagined.” At press time, Merz added that the researchers had discovered additional evidence that the virus could linger on surfaces for days while cruising around with its friends on inline skates.
More from The Onion