Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole

Illustration for article titled Researchers Warn Of New Giant Covid-19 Variant Large Enough To Swallow Grown Man Whole

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to consume a full-sized adult male in one swift gulp,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that the first confirmed victim of the A.7 SARS-CoV-2 variant was a man in El Paso, Texas of whom nothing was left but his shoes. “What we’ve got on our hands is a virus that stalks the shadows and can lift a grown adult in its two protein envelope jaws. It strikes at night, when the moon is just a sliver in the sky, and is transmitted through the air so fast that you’ll never even know what hit you. In an instant, its membrane will have wrapped around your throat, and everything will go black. We advise all Americans to maintain a wide berth from poorly lit areas, to not turn corners quickly, and if you hear a rustling sound behind you, our expert advice is to start saying your prayers.” The report recommended that anyone who believed they had come into contact with someone infected by this new Covid-19 variant should immediately drive as far as they could into a remote area and under no circumstances bring the massive, man-eating variant beast anywhere near a hospital.