Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

Illustration for article titled Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

What Happened, a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Never really understood what the “H” arrow campaign logo was going for

Respected her opponent Bernie Sanders but simply believed a presidential election is not the time to push progressive policies


Still receives fan mail from little girls asking for her advice on how to appeal to wealthy centrists

Regrets not killing James Comey

Briefly toyed with the idea of campaigning under the pseudonym H.R. Clemens to avoid misogynist critics

Concedes that she might be partially responsible for 15 months’ worth of her actions, words, and policies on the campaign trail


Quietly ran for president in 2012

A 45-page diatribe excoriates DNC intern Jason Whitcomb for his failure to stuff election mailers correctly


Calls Donald Trump “creepy” but admits he can throw one hell of a wedding

Has clearly already forgotten who her VP pick was