With the recent release of Ted Wells’ report, Onion Sports examines what the NFL-ordered investigation discovered about workplace harassment within the Miami Dolphins.
- Identified a clear pattern of harassment directed toward a player nicknamed “Jmart,” who could be anyone, really
- No one was kicking the shit out of Ryan Tannehill for some reason
- Miami coaching staff was often too busy working on moronic game plans to notice bullying situation
- Former Dolphins lineman Andrew McDonald routinely referred to by the offensive, highly insulting nickname “Player A”
- Martin never informed coaches he was being abused in the locker room, practice field, weight room, or team meetings
- The “About the Author” page revealed that, in addition to being an accomplished criminal attorney, Ted Wells also enjoys mountain biking and spending time with his family
- To be completely fair, Incognito also called Jonathan Martin “teammate” four times over the past 18 months
- Inexplicably, Martin could never earn the respect of his NFL teammates, despite his proclivities for tattling and crying
- Dan Marino still hangs around Sun Life Stadium five to six days a week
- Jonathan Martin’s sister has a wolf puss
- Concluded all of these guys are fucking morons
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